The Holiday Party

Recipe for a memorable party:

Buckeyes: Peanut butter deliciousness covered in chocolate 

Puff pastry wrapped baked brie 

JoAnn's (my mom) Italian Beef

JoAnn's Oyster Stew

Kelly's famous Pork Loin

Mashed potatoes

Champagne

Top Shelf Vodka, Scotch

Tons of Ice

3-5 bottles of Red wine

Stephanie's Lethal Mulled Cider with Everclear

Pimm's Drink garnished with blood oranges, pomegranate, and tarragon

Clueless

Woman: "Have you been to Hellers? you should take your kids there. the donuts are incredible."

Man: "really, I will have to do that."

Woman: "the coffee isn't great"

Man: "Well, I am a coffee snob."

Woman: "Me too. Have you had Swings coffee?"

Man: "I have. I worked at the WH for years" (saying in a condensing voice..remember??)."Of course."

Woman: "I have beans in my freezer from Swings."

Man: "You'll have to make me a cup of coffee sometime."

Woman: (approaching the front door of apt). "Well, thanks for walking me home. Thanks for the beers."

Man: "You are welcome. Thanks for the conversation." (Insert: really bad kiss).

Woman: "Wow. I wasn't expecting that."

Man: "really? Take me upstairs ____. Make me a cup of coffee."

Woman: "Wow. That's forward. How about your girlfriend. How about...etc..??. No, I am seeing someone. I'm not messing that up. You obviously don't care."

Man: (kisses her again). "I can taste the hormones on your lips."

Woman: (throwing up in her mouth silently). "I don't want this right now. I am going upstairs. Alone."

Man: (calling woman by her first and last name now). _____.______. "Make me a cup of coffee!"

Man: "I've wanted you since the moment I met you."

Woman: "You obviously have no conscience."

Man: "I can keep this discreet, if that's what you want. We should go inside. This is a small city." (people will see us..).

Woman: (Thinking.. probably not good since your divorce is final and you're already attempting to cheat on your girlfriend). " I don't follow your logic. This is not happening. Good night."

Man: "Make me a cup of coffee. Make me a cup of coffee."

Man: (pulls her back, preventing her from getting in the door). Now, begging. "Don't push me away. Little girl. you're soaked aren't you."

Woman: (makes her way in the door). "Don't make that face."

Man: you can change your mind in the next 5 minutes, if you want. when I am walking home.

Woman: hmmm. Thanks... (Gets upstairs, safe and sound. Locks the door. Phone rings. twice. Silencing her phone.. ). She sleeps, in peace.

Holiday Cards-best written while slightly drunk on a half bottle of wine

The Ex-Boyfriend Holiday Card:

Hey,  I want my cufflinks back!!!!!!!!! Happy Holidays.  

The Boss Holiday Card:

"Thanks for the $100.00 bonus. I am using it to drown my sorrows while I search for another job that will hopefully pay better." Happy Holidays!

The Half-Sibling Holiday Card:

"Hope your home finds peace and prosperity in the New Year. If not, I hope that Santa brings xanax to your home."

The College friend who has become religious Holiday Card:

"Remember when we used to laugh at Ned Flanders?? Yeah..I think you are married to him. Please stop saying 'you are so blessed'  your post pregnancy baby fat has not left, your husband is unemployed and you are living with your in-laws." Happy Holidays!!