Dear J,
I have a present for you - quite possibly the most valuable gift any woman will EVER give you.
As a young man in his early 20s, and my best friend's brother, I'm happy to say there is still hope for you. There is not so much hope for the armies of ex-boyfriends out there in the world in general, and specifically ZERO HOPE for the sad assembly of ex-boyfriends between me and your sister. With that said, below you will find a comprehensive summary of How Not to Be.
I'm begging you to read the list - MEMORIZE THE LIST - print it, laminate it, sell it to your friends at school.....and go forward with the knowledge that as long as you don't do these things, you're guaranteed never to find yourself in what your sister and I refer to as "The Sieve" - the cosmic pasta pot that keeps the good ones IN, and let's the bad ones fall into boiling water. So far, all we have is a big-assed pot of floaters. It is up to you to change this.
How not to be:
(Or how NOT to fall through The Sieve)
How Not to Be
1. Do not ever, EVER, carry your own billiards cue to a basement party - especially if it is in a zippered carrying case.
1a. Do not buy a carrying case for your billiards cue, no matter how good you think you are.
2. Do not use tinted anti-acne medication. You're not fooling anyone.
3. Do not wear hemp jewelry.
4. Do not make out with your ex-girlfriend's best friend. She's a slut :)
5. DO NOT EVER RUIN HER NEW YEAR'S EVE. Believe me, whatever stupid shit you have to say can wait until Jan 2
6. Do not tell her you want to marry her in the first month you're together. ever.
7. Do not remain unemployed any longer than is absolutely necessary. Any job is better than no job.
8. Do not act lazy. (and, if you ARE lazy, you should accept the fact that you will be alone forever)
9. Do not make her feel bad for asking why you haven't called.
10. Do not tease her and then try to convince her it's how you "show her you like her". You're acting like an ass and you know it.
11. Do not forget her birthday.
12. Do not let your mother remember her birthday, and then proceed to forget it a week later.
13. Do not ignore her if you are afraid to tell her something - MAN UP.
14. Do not blow her and her family off at the holidays.
15. If you walk past a fine arts theatre, and she reads a poster for an upcoming performance and says "wow, I'd love to see the orchestra in May" do NOT respond with "you know I'll never take you to that, right?"
16. If you've been dating a woman any longer than 6 months, a Barnes & Noble gift card is NOT an adequate Christmas gift. It is not adequate as PART of a Christmas gift. Not in any country, in any universe, or in any space-time continuum. Even SPOCK would not do this, no matter how much his girl loves to read.
17. Do not tell her Valentine's Day is dumb. Instead, write it on the card that's attached to the two dozen roses you have delivered to her office.
18. If you must break up with her, do not do it via text message, Gchat, Instant Message, or over the phone. This is amateur shit. Drive your sorry ass over there and give her the decency of a face-to-face delivery.
19. Do not let yourself get to be 40 years old without a plan, dude. Sad.
20. Do not live without a plan.
21. Do not "play it cool" - if you meet a girl you like, call her the next day. She wants you to, so don't waste her time (believe me, it's more valuable than yours, anyway)
22. Do not go to a foreign country and then not call her immediately when you return home.
23. Do not take her to a dance (or a formal adult event that requires a tuxedo) with the rest of your idiot friends from the swim team (or wherever) and all their bitchy girlfriends. If they are assholes, so are their dates, and she doesn't have time for that.
24. Do not tell her she would look prettier with long hair.
25. Do not tell her that her friend is pretty.
26. Do not lie to her.
27. Do not cheat on her - just end it if you're unhappy, for both of your sanity.
28. If you do cheat on her, and she takes the collection of wine you have built together as she's walking out of your life, do not act surprised, you cheating jerk.
29. If you really like her, do not make excuses. For anything.
30. If you aren't willing to meet her family, do not expect her to take you seriously.
31. Do not keep in touch with her brother after she broke up with you. Pathetic.
32. Do not buy her diamond earrings, and then tell her what a "great deal" you got on them. It ruins the effect. Believe me....ugh.
33. Do not give her email address to an insane family member who likes her - that will follow her forever, even if you don't.
34. Do not offer to pick up dinner, and then ask her for a "5 spot" cuz you're "short on cash". DON'T OFFER IN THE FIRST PLACE, DUDE!!!
35. Do not assume love is enough.
36. If you buy a "fixer-upper" (see also: house with toilet that doesn't flush), and she loves you enough to sell all her furniture to move INTO it, marry her.
37. Do not write her a sonnet - believe me, it won't end well.
38. Wipe that "what did I DO?!" look of your face. You know exactly what you did.
39. Don't make a fuss over living room furniture - let her pick it out. She's the girl.
40. Don't golf with a girl she doesn't trust, and then act astonished when she gets jealous.
41. Don't tell her you'll "love her forever" if you don't mean it. Women remember that stuff, and it means a lot.
42. If you break her heart, you don't get to be "friends". Ever. It doesn't work that way, so just leave her alone.
43. Do not ask her for money.
44. Do not let her pay every time she offers.
45. Do not EVER ask her "what do you spend your money on, anyway?"
46. If you break her heart, tell your mother so she'll know to stop sending sweet emails to her. It's awkward.
47. Do not tell her "shoes are stupid".
48. Do not tell her that her job isn't "that important".
49. Do not forget to tell her that she's pretty, and that you're proud to be with her.
50. If she gets a little drunk in a club and you have to get her home safely, do not tell her in the morning (when she's hungover) that she was acting like an idiot. She's aware.
51. Do not dump a woman who has held a bag for you to barf in after your birthday party.
52. Do not dump a woman who takes days off work to take you to the doctor when you are having anxiety attacks. She loves you, you retard!
53. If you meet a girl and spend the night with her, but realize you aren't ready for a relationship, just tell her. If you don't have the guts to call, then send a text. It's lame and she'll be sad, but she won't have to spend a week and a half wondering if you're dead in a gutter. Instead, she'll fantasize about it, which is better for her.
54. If she runs in a marathon - GO TO THE MARATHON.
55. You should only smell bad after a workout. Shower, dude.
56. Do not act as if being polite and gracious is sucking up. It's powerful. She knows it, that's why she's successful, and you're not.
57. Do not make her play on a softball team.
58. Do not pass up an opportunity to contribute to your employers 401K. Retirement funds are VERY sexy.
59. You should know her favorite music, and favorite local pub.
60. You should be able to order a drink for her without asking. It may not be what she would choose in that moment, but if it's a favorite of hers, it will make her happy.
61. Do not make fun of marching bands. Ever. She can spin a mace, dude. That's all I'm saying.
62. If she has a "girls night" sleepover, do not joke about naked pillow fights. THIS DOESN'T HAPPEN AND YOU'RE ANNOYING.
63. Put your dishes in the dishwasher.
64. Put your socks in the hamper.
65. Rinse hair off of bar soaps.
66. If you pick a shirt up off the floor, it's AUTOMATICALLY NOT CLEAN. Smelling it and shaking it around will not make it a reasonable wardrobe choice. Lazy ass.
67. If she went to an Ivy League school, don't make fun of her. She's already embarrassed.
68. If she makes more money than you, shut your mouth and count your blessings.
69. Learn to make an omelet.
70. Don't underestimate the power of a random bouquet of flowers.
71. She works very hard during the day. Do not tell her that Cosmo/Oprah/Dancing with the Stars is dumb. It's how she winds down.
72. Do not bring a 6 pack of canned Budweiser to her house, ever. GOD.
73. Do not tell her she "can't". You'll be sorry.
74. Do not tell her she's fat.
75. Do not tell anyone her secrets.
76. Do not get in the way of her career.
77. Do not ask her to put gas in your truck.
78. Do not ask her to help paint your house, and then hand her $5 and send her down to the corner store for Gatorade if this corner store is located in a place that means she literally has to walk past drug dealers to get there. Get the Gatorade yourself, dude.
79. Do not leave her alone with a crazy relative (mother, aunt, etc) in the woods.
80. Do not make her sleep in a room full of taxidermy woodland creatures.
81. Do not make her eat junk food all weekend. Ick.
82. Do not continue to wear t-shirts that you've had since middle school.
83. Pay for her coffee.
84. If you've been living in a city for 5 years and still need a GPS to get around that city, you're retarded.
85. Do not use chewing tobacco.
86. Do not skip your dentist appointments.
87. Do not skip your doctors appointments.
88. Do not give her false hope.
89. If you break her heart, you should move out of the city you are both living in. Haven't you put her through enough?
90. If she is patient and kind, count your blessings (you can count this blessing while you're counting #68). There are a LOT of crazy bitches out there, my friend, and YOU are lucky.
91. Do not tell her you have this list.
92. Do not forget her name.
93. Do not drag your issues with your family into your relationship with her.
94. Get over your ex before you ask a new girl out.
95. Do not drop out of school.
96. Do not act like a baby, a douche bag, a jerk or a tool. (if you need help defining any of these terms, you can contact you closest girl friend and she'll draw you a flow-chart, and show you high school year books)
97. Do not forget to say,"please and thank you".
98. Do not call your ex-girlfriends horrible names in front of her, she'll wonder what you call her behind her back.
99. Don't be a pussy.
100. Do not make me repeat this list.
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